The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Monthly Archives: June 2010

Yep.

I’m about to give my sheets some ass and my pillow some head! =P hehehe

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Chinese out to get uuuusssssss!!!!

2007: year of the cow – we got mad cow disease

2008: year of the bird – avian flu

2009: year of the pig – swine flu

2010: year of the cock – ANYONE ELSE WORRIED?

children’s games were obviously created by perverse adults

Duck… Duck… Duck… GOOOOOSE!!!!!

ever wonder?

Do woodpeckers get headaches?

Ok..

So I laughed often (got stared at) loved harder (got a new restraining order), and danced like no one was watcing, and THAT was when they came and locked me up. HELP!

…like nobody’s watching

I dance to my own tune – you just cant hear it because the voices in my head are humming it

Give thanks damnit!

I am the craziest little thing that has ever happened to you. You’re welcome.

Just wonderin’

Has anyone ever been told how to get to Sesame Street?

New and Improved!

Attention Friends! Yours truly is now available in 5 new shades of crazy!

Rainman did it and he was…

…this message has been brought to you by the syllables RAH- and -TARD! Yep I said ”RI-TARD” that’s 45 seconds you’ll never get back! ;0)

That’s a Hangover reference for you ritards….

I call it "word vomit"

I’m not random. I’ve just mastered the ability to spontaneously burst out nonsense.

Passive Optimism…

Make no mistake. My glass is most certainly half-full. I’m just not certain if it’s applejuice or pee in there sometimes…

Everything’s For Sale!

Wondering how much I could buy an oompa loompa for on eBay?…

Status Quo?

Uh… I’ve been demoted. No longer a badass. Saw a harmless gardener snake and ran like a Sally. Yeah…

You’re not funny asshole!

I believe everything happens for a reason. Except clowns. Really, what the hell kind of reason could there be for those scary bastards?!?

You know you want to…

Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!! 🙂

Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!! Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!! Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!! Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!! Da na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!

OOOPS

Well shit. So much for being a “good example”. Guess I’ll try for the “good warning” angle instead…?

Ripping Ass

We have the worst toilet paper at work (cheap bastards) When I went to go pee, it made me think of something… How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

On a serious note

So there I was, pondering the future when I blew mountain dew out my nose!… Why you ask? How can you ponder the future without thinking about grannies with tramp stamps?!?

So hungry…

Ever find yourself getting half-way through eating a horse and think to yourself “hmmm…perhaps I’m not as hungry as I thought I was”?

They call me "Grace"

WARNING: Do not follow me. I run into parked cars, fall up stairs, and walk into the Jedi doors at Wal-Mart! ;0)

Be Ambitious!

Always follow your dreams. (Except the one where you’re randomly naked in public. I don’t think anyone is ready for that!)

I woke up with it in my head, I wanna share

Ooh ee oo ah ah, ting tang walla wall bing bang. Ooh ee oo ah ah, ting tang walla wall bing bang… Yeah good luck getting that outta your head today! 😛

"I have nipples Focker"

Was just sitting here perplexed… wondering how someone figured out you can milk a cow?!?

Because it itches if you don’t!

Shit happens. You just wipe your ass and move on.

Yesssssss!!

I had a funny dream last night and you were in it. Wanna know what happened? Well… let’s just say, there was you…and a monster…and it eated you!

Exact change not necessary

Sarcasm – Just one of the many services I offer for free. No dollar bills or coins needed. You’re welcome.

But looks aren’t everything… I know.

T.G.I.F.  Thank God I’m Funny

(or at least I like to tell myself I am… so don’t rain on my parade asshole) :p

Maybe he’ll be blind

Cellulite: saying I’m sexy in braille

Majority Rules

I find it funny that you can’t please everyone all at once but you certainly can piss them off all at once!

FACT:

You can’t hum with your nose plugged – go ahead, I’ll wait here while you try it…

Schizoaffective

Who? Me? No I didn’t fart, it was my invisible friend. She’s an asshole.

Studious

Texting + Facebook = TEXTBOOK! See, I am studying!!

IMPORTANT!!

Attention Everyone!! I have an important announcement to make: – I AM HERE – That is all. You may carry on.

Semantics

I say: tomato, you say: tomato… yeah doesn’t really make much sense when you read it… ahhh hell

Bridge? No. Building? No. Mental illness? Yes please!

Is it weird I think it would be awesome to have a psychiatric condition named after me?!

quantum physics in nursery rhymes…!?!?

I wonder how Humpty Dumpty got his fat ass up on that wall to begin with?…

Seriously.

Gluteal Cold

I did NOT fart! It was a butt-cough…

Hot Stubs

I wish leg hair stubble was sexy!

Protein Deficiency

I wonder if lesbian squirrels still eat nuts?

Camel Complex

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think “I have pussy feet”? 😛 tehehehe

Damn.

I’m curious… Did they ever find out who let the dogs out?

The Ringer

I really, really, I mean really wanna roll around in syrup, cover myself with white feathers and run around screaming “AFLACK” at everyone!

Grandmas and commas

Commas save lives! “Let’s eat, Grandma” (now try it without the comma, lol)

Tequila You Suck!

Dear tequila: we had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter, and a better dancer. But I saw the video and I think we need to talk.

Toast vs. Cat?

So I was thinking this morning about toast and cats. If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter side down, what happens if you strap buttery toast to a cat?

Bed Bug Fornication

The female bed bug has no sexual opening! In order to get around this small problem the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female! Now that’s innovation!

Does anyone know a one-eyed dude?

So, if you only have one eye, do you blink or wink?

There it is!

Not that you wanna know but I just blew my nose and I swear I found a Tonka truck!… We won’t mention the Cabbage Patch Big Wheel, since the last time I saw that was 1989

Apparently I’m not one of them

Note to self: the balance ball is for COORDINATED people!…

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