The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Daily Archives: June 1, 2010

They call me "Grace"

WARNING: Do not follow me. I run into parked cars, fall up stairs, and walk into the Jedi doors at Wal-Mart! ;0)

Be Ambitious!

Always follow your dreams. (Except the one where you’re randomly naked in public. I don’t think anyone is ready for that!)

I woke up with it in my head, I wanna share

Ooh ee oo ah ah, ting tang walla wall bing bang. Ooh ee oo ah ah, ting tang walla wall bing bang… Yeah good luck getting that outta your head today! 😛

"I have nipples Focker"

Was just sitting here perplexed… wondering how someone figured out you can milk a cow?!?

Because it itches if you don’t!

Shit happens. You just wipe your ass and move on.

Yesssssss!!

I had a funny dream last night and you were in it. Wanna know what happened? Well… let’s just say, there was you…and a monster…and it eated you!

Exact change not necessary

Sarcasm – Just one of the many services I offer for free. No dollar bills or coins needed. You’re welcome.

But looks aren’t everything… I know.

T.G.I.F.  Thank God I’m Funny

(or at least I like to tell myself I am… so don’t rain on my parade asshole) :p

Maybe he’ll be blind

Cellulite: saying I’m sexy in braille

Majority Rules

I find it funny that you can’t please everyone all at once but you certainly can piss them off all at once!

FACT:

You can’t hum with your nose plugged – go ahead, I’ll wait here while you try it…

Schizoaffective

Who? Me? No I didn’t fart, it was my invisible friend. She’s an asshole.

Studious

Texting + Facebook = TEXTBOOK! See, I am studying!!

IMPORTANT!!

Attention Everyone!! I have an important announcement to make: – I AM HERE – That is all. You may carry on.

Semantics

I say: tomato, you say: tomato… yeah doesn’t really make much sense when you read it… ahhh hell

Bridge? No. Building? No. Mental illness? Yes please!

Is it weird I think it would be awesome to have a psychiatric condition named after me?!

quantum physics in nursery rhymes…!?!?

I wonder how Humpty Dumpty got his fat ass up on that wall to begin with?…

Seriously.

Gluteal Cold

I did NOT fart! It was a butt-cough…

Hot Stubs

I wish leg hair stubble was sexy!

Protein Deficiency

I wonder if lesbian squirrels still eat nuts?

Camel Complex

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think “I have pussy feet”? 😛 tehehehe

Damn.

I’m curious… Did they ever find out who let the dogs out?

The Ringer

I really, really, I mean really wanna roll around in syrup, cover myself with white feathers and run around screaming “AFLACK” at everyone!

Grandmas and commas

Commas save lives! “Let’s eat, Grandma” (now try it without the comma, lol)

Tequila You Suck!

Dear tequila: we had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter, and a better dancer. But I saw the video and I think we need to talk.

Toast vs. Cat?

So I was thinking this morning about toast and cats. If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter side down, what happens if you strap buttery toast to a cat?

Bed Bug Fornication

The female bed bug has no sexual opening! In order to get around this small problem the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female! Now that’s innovation!

Does anyone know a one-eyed dude?

So, if you only have one eye, do you blink or wink?

There it is!

Not that you wanna know but I just blew my nose and I swear I found a Tonka truck!… We won’t mention the Cabbage Patch Big Wheel, since the last time I saw that was 1989

Apparently I’m not one of them

Note to self: the balance ball is for COORDINATED people!…

Phoebe Buffay would sing about it

I hate it when you eat asparagus and your pee stinks!

I can just hear the lyrics now. “Smelly Jess… Smeeeeeelly Jess, what.are.they feeding you. Smelly Jess, Smeelllllly Jess, It’s.not yourrrrrr fau.u.uult”

Fartopractor

Did you ever fart so hard you cracked your back?

Fat Scouts

WARNING! Thin Mints are not diet food!

Ooucch!

It just makes sense, you don’t fry bacon naked!

Wrong Gear

I finally got my ass in gear… Too bad it’s in reverse… :L

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