The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Monthly Archives: September 2010

A visit from the common-sense fairy:

You don’t get to be mad when I almost run you over if you walk out in front of me in the dead of night with no warning and no way of seeing you! Thanks.

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All I can say for myself…

“It was already like that when I got here”

Show-off!

So is it considered taunting if your dog poops in front of a guy with a colostomy bag?

     

Non-Conformity

I eat JeLLo through a straw

Lost But Not Found

So there I was in traffic… had the best random thought ever (as in I giggled out loud to myself in the middle of a sing-along funny)So now I’m stuck with this story of how I came up with it and then forgot it but I have no idea what it was! So much for that waste of awesomeness…

Relative Tunes

Why yes, as a matter of fact I do have a song for every occasion

Looks Like a Garbage Pail Kid…

Some people make really ugly babies.

I can see clearly now!

Fresh, new contacts are like SEX in your eyeballs! Yep. It feels THAT good!

Communication Is Not Rocket Science

I’m not Jamaican and my name ain’t Miss.Cleo so if you would like to get by me in an aisle that’s more narrow than the space between Paris Hilton’s ears, all you have to do is display some manners and ask politely. A simple “excuse me” will suffice nicely in fact. Really it’s not hard to just nicely say “excuse me.” Case closed. No exact change or conniption fit necessary.

Threats

Dear Vicodin: Please hurry! If you are insufficient and unable to perform your duties as assigned I will be forced to send in backup.

Ruffled and wrinkled and crumpled up

5% of adults admit to never making their beds…. really? This is making me uber anxious – sending chills up my spine and making my skin crawl at the very thought. UGH!!!

Musical Pain

Fact: approximately 8,000 Americans are injured each year by musical instruments….

Yeah, not even really sure what to say about that; except that the possibilities are both endless and at the same time also disturbing in ways I am pretty sure that I prefer not to think about.

Office Terms

TRANSPORTER: person who goes to another floor or side of the building to poop

Office Memo Gone Down the Toilet

We received the following e-mail memo from our company, the e-mails that follow are way too funny NOT to share….

 ————————————————————————-

OFFICE MEMO:

Recently, we have experienced fire alarms at multiple locations across the country, prompted by burning popcorn. Not only is this a hazard for our employees, but it has the potential to keep local fire companies from responding to more serious accidents and fires.

 Effective immediately, employees must remain with their items during the entire time of microwave usage. Do not place your food in the microwave and walk away.

 Employees who violate this guideline will be subject to disciplinary action from their managers. 

** click the Read More link below for the rest of the story**

  

C: No popcorn children! I can relate, my wonderful husband will put popcorn in for 10 minutes, then go outside. The smell stays in the house for days.

 

AM: LOL! 10 minutes?!? Who on Earth thinks that popcorns goes in the micro for any longer than like 3 maybe 3 and a half minutes?? OMG

 

C: In his defense, he makes the main course whenever we have friends over for dinner, and quite well! Popcorn… is confusing. 

 

K: Ummm not really, technology has evolved and for men… they invented a button on the micro that says POPCORN, go figure and all you do is push and it will do everything for you! LOL

 

D: That is too funny K, just like putting down the seat after they use the restroom…..such difficulties for their little brains.

 

K: That reminded me of my husband when I put the toilet protector on so Troublemaker couldn’t open it. He was there for the longest time trying to figure out how to open it! LOL. You mean they didn’t teach you that in college? What a site to see a grown man wiggling around like a little kid trying to open the potty LOL!

 

AM: OMG that’s NOT NOT NOT funny!! I avoided going pee at my friend’s house for the LONGEST time because her toilets were smarter than me! (she had the lock thingies too)  The first time I went in there I even had to flush the toilet and wash my hands so they didn’t know that the toilet out-smarted me. Almost a year later I finally had to admit that I was dumb because there was no way I could make it any longer…. Too many glasses of ummm water? …  and about an hour Doogie -her hubby – asked me (he was the one who had to show me how to use the darn thing) how I managed this whole time and I had to finally admit that I was a FRAUD! And that I faked it the first time and I was usually DYING by the time I left for the past year.  my friend laughed so hard I’m pretty sure she almost peed herself!

 

K: That is too funny! You pretending to go potty! I am over cracking up! And after a year? you’re funny! 

 

AM: I’m Glad you find pleasure in my pain! No wonder my bladder and kidneys are messed up. Too proud to say the baby-proofing is smarter than me. What has this world come to?!? 

K: For Real! That is HILARIOUS!! You can’t be too proud, Arbitrary Musings! LOL

 

AM: You would have done the same thing!

 

K: I can see maybe a couple times but not for a YEAR.

 

AM: I went in there fumbled around for a while and just couldn’t get into the stupid toilet. That thing had outsmarted me and choked down my pride like it was a filet mignon. I had no choice but to FAKE IT!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

K: That is SO FUNNY! Oh man, you faking it. SO FUNNY!!!!  

AM: I didn’t fake it for a whole year. I faked it ONCE. Then just held it for a year!

 

K: I understand but I don’t know if I would have faked it! IT IS STILL FUNNY THOUGH!!

 

AM: Their bathrooms became like Caves of Forbidden Secrets!! You NEVER ENTER! NEVER! EVER!!!! Even if you gotta poo! Don’t DO IT! NOT WORTH IT.

 

K: They are hard to figure out, really I know what you mean. The only reason I knew is because I read the instructions.

Oh man, if you gotta poo, you’re DONE for!!! Your hubby would have to get you new pants! You certainly couldn’t fake that!

 

AM: NO You hold it! No matter what the cost is!!  Now quit picking on me! I need to be productive leave me alone!!

K: Ok Ok Ok but you know I luv ya! Too funny! Bubble guts the whole time huh? I’m just sayin’ … OK back to work.

 

AM: STILL, you HOLD IT. Besides, you know how if you hold it long enough, the need just goes away after awhile? (it comes back with a vengeance later though. You don’t want to be there when it does)

 

But you just pretend it’s your first date with someone like Brad Pitt and then you can make it.  But if you got bubble guts, you just gotta text the hubby or a family member to call with an emergency!! You GOTS TO GO. PEACE!

 

PURE EVIL:

 

Dear General Mills:

I would just like to know what ever happened to the prize inside the damn cereal box?!

Sunday in the Park

Thinkin today would be a good day to dress in all black, go to the park, climb a tree and pretend to be a ninja!!

Fancy Tone!

So if Morgan Freeman narrated my life, would it sound fancier? Cause Lord knows I really need all the help I can get! Otherwise, they might hire someone like Jeff Foxworthy (I prefer Dane Cook though… just cuz that would be much more fun!…in case anyone cares…??!?!)

Observation:

The more expensive the car, the less likely it is to come with “optional” features like… say… turn signals? Oh and the more entitled and empowered it seems to make the driver.

Evolution of a male sport

1874: The first jockstrap is used in hockey

1974: The first helmet is used in hockey

Uh…it took MEN 100 years to realize that the brain is also important?!?

Overseas

My give-a-damn has been outsourced to India. “Thank You Come Again.”

Technically

No, I didn’t escape. I’m on day-release!

Great Mood!!

Oh, I am so grinning like a cat with a strawberry flavored ass right now ;0)

WHY?

Why is it that people look at me funny when I run into a wall or something and say “excuse me”? I’m just being polite…

Must be the Hat

Day by day the garden gnomes are stealing my sanity!

Illness

Got a bad case of Lazybitchitis today

Ha

I’m just so happy, I could shit party favors

These Days

My memory seems to work less efficiently than my forgetory

Wait for it…

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Oh wait… I forgot…

TrApppped!

I was so scared!! The power went out and I was trapped on the escalator for 2 WHOLE hours! But don’t worry, the firemen finally came and rescued me and I’m ok now.

Call Me "Merriam"

Fart (noun) The lonely cry of an imprisoned turd

                          * definition brought to you by J.D.Productions, Inc. 

 ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_     

 Fart  (intransitive verb) to expel intestinal gas from the anus

                       *official definition brought to you by and couresty of:

                           http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fart?

Status

Sarcasm Mode: Enabled

New National Holiday

Oh I’m sorry, I guess I need a new calendar. Mine doesn’t say it’s national fucktard day!…

High Hopes

I wanted to write something cleaver and witty here… so far I’ve got nothin’. Yep. Thanks for your time

Pet peeve

FAT is not a handicap. Get off the damn electric cart!

Thinkin’

I think…..

…… better not, it hurts

Methodologies

There is method to my madness…OK, its mostly madness but that’s irrelevant.

more semantics

If you have multiple personalities, is it suicide or homicide?

Really…

This all could have been avoided if you would have just bought the Sham-Wow!

Why I hate shopping…

Umm.Like.Hi. <hair twist> Like. <gum popping> Welcome to Abercrombie! You wanna like try that on <more hair twisting and gum popping> what size are you? Small, Xtra Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, or Skeletor?”

It’s the Little Things

Slinky + Escalator= Hours of free entertainment

Follow the leader

I think paranoid people are following me.

Sponsors

Today’s post has been brought to you by the letters: “W”, “T”, and “F

Weekend Forecast

Mostly drunk with a 10% chance of a hangover. Enjoy folks!

I should be Hallmark –

Wouldn’t it be so much funnier if Father’s day day was 9 months after St.Patrick’s Day?

do you hear that?

Wondering – do deaf schizophrenics hear the voices in their heads…?

Report Card

I’m happy to report that so far I’ve not eaten too much glue or gone after anyone with scissors. I do wish I had my blankie though!!

In my opinion…

If ignorance is bliss, there sure are a SHIT LOAD of people walking around in paradise! Just Sayin…

Wrongs & Rights??

Two wrongs don’t make a right… but if it’s the right wrongs then it feels twice as right. Is that necessarily wrong? Feels Kinda right to me.

Arithmetic

If you’re riding uphill in a canoe and your wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to fit in a dog house?

Good Byyeeee

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

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