The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Monthly Archives: November 2010

Enemy since 1981

I find it entirely preposterous that for the better part of my life a juice pouch has been making a complete mockery of my intelligence and hand-eye coordination. Capri Sun, you suck.

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Dear Mom & Dad

When I was 8, I might have told a teensy white lie about how my (ugly) pink lunchbox and matching thermos went “missing”. However, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of your own indiscretions and spotty track records. Case in point: Easter Bunny…Tooth Fairy…Santa Claus!!! Questions? Didn’t think so.

Husband’s Point NOT Proven

On Proving points

Me: wow, does that jerk have his brights on?

Craig: No Kidding! Watch this…

<husband swerves toward said jerk and simultaneously hits the switch to ‘flash our brights’ at him>

Me: Wowwwww… you REALLY showed him!! Swerving in his direction and turning on the WINSHIELD WIPERS definitely got your message across, I’m sure…

Craig: Sssshhh I hit the wrong switch!

Me: Still I bet he was scared shitless.  

Craig: Do you ever stop talking?

Me: Apparently not.

skin deep

only in your very darkest hour… when you’re trying your damndest to paint on your “I’m doing my absolute best to keep my shit together” face, do certain people find a way to make the situation about them and something else entirely.

Composure

I’m an adult. I drive a car, I have a job, I pay my bills and I even vote. I make responsible decisions and for the most part live a pretty normal life. While I consider myself a “kid at heart” and I love to joke, laugh and completely take things more light-heartedly than most I still always manage to do the right thing act mature when I need to and know where to draw the line in almost all circumstances. Admittedly, I tend to blur the line more than I should and honestly, I enjoy it. I say things to get a rise out of people. Whether that rise is to make them laugh, gasp or look at me and say my name very seriously… and if they add in my middle name… BONUS!!!  Anyway, as I was saying… I also know when I really should act appropriately and be on my best behavior. Just because I KNOW when I should be on my best behavior however, does not necessarily mean that I WILL be on my best behavior.

Which brings me to the way I am feeling right now…

I am so far beyond every bit of overwhelmed feeling there could possibly be inside one human being of stress, anxiety, anger, more stress and frustration that I want to throw myself onto the floor and have a conniption fit. I want to kick and scream and cry like a toddler and not give a damn about who sees or who cares what I look like. I feel that I should be able to do that right now if I want.

Because sometimes… sometimes life just warrants you – normally a completely rational and perfectly sane adult – to want to act like a child. Screaming and crying over F***ing Froot Loops OK? What is so freaking wrong with that? I realize that I’ve grown past all that but occasionally I need to peel off this mask, rip off my clothes and lose all control of every tiny bit of composure I’m suppose to have left. Why? Because I’m an adult. I drive a car, I have a job, I pay my bills, I vote, I donate money to good causes and I always, ALWAYS make responsible decisions. I always do the right thing and yet, my life is the same shit storm of crazy every single day. So for just once, this one day, if I want to have a crying fit on the kitchen floor over sweetened, colored, fruity rings of multi-grain cereal I will damn it.

Smelly Building

Observation

Apparently men’s asses, can develop the ability, after marriage, for farts to just fall right on out “without their knowledge”

Why the fuss on the airport patdowns?

I don’t get why everyone is up in arms about it!? I for one, am in a hurry to catch a flight somewhere! Any excuse to get felt up for free sounds good to me!! ;0)

Dear Karma Fairy:

I was not Hitler or Stalin in a past life. I have evidence of this. Please stop dishing me up their punishments. I can’t handle and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve any more of this and I’m not a terrible person. (I might also have evidence of this.)  

1st Annual National Unfriend Day

Seriously? So you’re telling me that we as a country have become so irrationally self-absorbed and lost in our social status that we feel the need to solicit and comercialize an official day to de-friend the unnecessary a-holes on our Facebook, My-space, and other social networking pages?!? I’m just venturing out on a limb here, but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in saying “WHAT THE F***ing F***?”

It really wasn’t enough that Hallmark capitalizes on all the other holidays (major and ridiculous alike) that used to have REAL meanings? NO… Now… Now we need to have an actual day where we recognize that some of the people we “friended” on our Social Networking sites are just there because they (or if we’re being honest… WE) want to see how many kids we popped out since High School, if we made anything if ourselves, became a Doctor, Lawyer, or just a homeless jackass… maybe perhaps even got *gasp* fat? No… we have to actually face up to that tiny little facade that some of us were actually enjoying hiding behind. Because let’s face it, there’s only a few reasons why any of us actually use it any more right? We keep in contact with some people we don’t get to see or talk to as much as we’d like. Then there’s always those other people that Facebook stalk other people (creepy much?) you know who you are! And then… there’s the serious and fully dedicated users… others well… some of them just have nothing but time. Really, I could go on and on we all know all about the different types of Facebook users out there and who should be on our friends list and who shouldn’t…

The bottom line is that most of us do try to take the time out of our busy schedules to occasionally cut out a list of people that we consider to be “toxic” and/or unnecessary to our everyday lives and that also includes our virtual social worlds too. So…. riddle me this then world… why in the name of Playstation, Bigscreen TVs and all that is ruling my life, do we need to call up the freaking media, AGAIN (you’ll learn that I have a very strong aversion towards the media) and tell them that we’re going to declare November 17th as National Freaking Unfriend Day????

You know… since we no longer value anything of ethical or moral value at this point in our nation’s history any more I guess… Goodbye fat cheerleader “friend” from High School, I actually think you’re a bitch. Goodbye co-worker from hell… you were just a frenemy… I only accepted your request to see if you lied about your “Sick Leave” and also… please pass a note to your cubemate, I’m defriending him as well because he farts a lot, goodye stinky!

PLEASE. Can’t Park it? Don’t Drive it!

Or if you absolutely must, please park it in the back. Don’t squeeeeeeze it into a teenie-weenie little spot and damage my car or park like a jackass! And also, I promise, you don’t need 4 1/2 spaces in the front row! NOT EVEN A SCHOOL BUS NEEDS THAT MANY!

Sniffer broken?

I think my dog’s feet smell like delicious corn chips… Fritos to be exact

Open Book

Thanks to genetics, I not only SPEAK my mind… I ALSO WEAR IT – in a lovely, oh-so conspicuous shade of red when I’m: nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, pissed, stressed, embarrassed, and occasionally too drunk (playing poker is out of the question for me)

Mmmm

They were all wrong about Twizzlers… Cookies are actually what makes mouths happy!

Road Rage

Dear Asshole: “Merge” means that you get your dumb-ass up to the speed everyone else is going and ease into traffic. It does not mean stop in the middle of a continuous freaking lane until someone decides to earn the kindness award for the day. So hang up the phone and pull your head out of your ass so that the 30 cars you just backed up can be on their way. Thanks.
Sincerely, Jessica

Bumper Pull

Growing up in Colorado, I learned early on that bitter-cold winters mixed with fancy, shiny, chrome bumpers on pick-up trucks are imperative to a girl’s development of strong leg muscles and “hovering skills”

Dexterity

I’d like to remind my husband that I’m right-handed, & while I love you dearly for pouring my coffee for me today, my light-gray slacks and white shirt do not…

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