The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Daily Archives: December 31, 2010

Talk to Your Animals About SEX. You Could Save Lives! Or not.

So I started out first by getting a little drunk. That seems to help. Me, not them, obviously. Then I proceeded to line-up my dog and two cats, firing-line style in order to tell them all about the birds, the bees and other friendly (but diseased goddamnit) forest creatures.

Well, let’s just say that this went about as well as the time I quacked in public (we’ll save that for later) and Craig looked at me like my head might start spinning around or that it might just pop right the fuck off. Anyway, so I line up the feline and canine victims. Errr students and prepare my speech. It goes something like this:

“Girls, let me start out by telling you that it’s very important for you to not whore around. Mostly because if you do, you’ll get that petfection disease and it will cause one of your beloved appendages to FALL OFF and make your human-mommy DIE!!!

Also, two of you rarely leave the house which means that if you end up with the PFD (yeah, that’s right I made up that acronym for my made-up disease. SO WHAT?!?) if either of the two of you end up with the PFD I’ll know one of two things: 1. You are sneaking out and whoring around which I just told you not to do 2. You’re lesbian. Either way, just don’t have the sex because it MAKE CRICKETS TRY TO EAT YOUR EARS OFF AND THEN KILL YOU.”

Basically if my cats get the PFD they are either sneaking out or lesbian. Which might be a little weird because both scenarios make things a little weird since this entire post is going very differently than I planned. As for the dog, well she just better not whore around OR ELSE!!! And if she does become a little labwhore and she gives my cats the PFD I might have to take her fuckin chew toy and bury it in a sea of gigantic fingers trying to touch her paws and clip her nails.

This my friends is why you shouldn’t get drunk and decide to talk to your animals about the sex. Because it’s easier to just get them fixed!

Hold On To your Pants 2011!

HOLY SHIT Y’ALL! Someone was actually dumb enough to allow me my own corner of the web! I don’t know about you but I am ecstatic about this! I’m sure some of you are currently beefing up the fancy fuckin’ safe-mode features on your internet browsers to protect innocent eyes from my evil forces. Some of you might even be hiding under a rug hoping and praying that a syndication effort will force me into silence. Others of you are probably going “Holy Shit y’all! check this shit out!!” Let me just say that the latter of you are my favorite and why I’m pushing the envelope a little more. YAY ME. Have no fear though, I need the rest of you too in order to support a healthy balance.

Anyway, 2010 sucked a big penis. It did however birth my blogging beginnings which started with the annoying ‘random thought’ text messages I used to send to a few friends and loved ones which admittedly started out to be kind of annoying (shocking I know) but then it turned into something bigger. It blew up into a forum I could no longer maintain via text message because too many people wanted them. Who knew? After all, Craig thinks I might be a little nutty, or a lot nutty and that my random thoughts are just a little out there. I had no idea that anyone would actually want to read or hear my randomness and so  after a suggestion from a friend I started a simple blog making my random thoughts available to anyone and everyone who wanted to read them and no longer forced myself into everyone’s pockets via text even though I really liked being that buzzing fly that just wouldn’t stop with the chaos… even at 1AM. I gave in however and decided to start a blog and stop MOST of the messages. It went well for a while.

Well bitches, I’m here to tell you that I’m expanding! You should know that by now since you probably got here by typing or clicking my awesome link http://theblogmuse.com which I can’t stop typing and staring at because I’m really, really excited!

Navigation: To the right you’ll find the categories column at the very top (yep, put it there for ease of access. You’re welcome) you’ll find:

  • Arbitrary Musings: all the random thoughts that started it all. I will continue to add content here so check back. often.
  • Ramblings: My blog posts that are still probably just as random, just longer
  • Shit I Love: This is where I post and share awesome stuff I can’t take credit for because I didn’t write it or think of it. DAMN.

Stick around Folks, this should be fun! I moved everything over from my other blog, which was laboriously difficult so you OWE ME BIG. But still, it’s all here under one roof so that you have no reason to hang out anywhere else on the web. Even if you do, lie to me to inflate my ego. I like that.

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