Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
Daily Archives: January 2, 2011
January 2, 2011Posted by on
Never underestimate the power of my persuasion on a 3 yr-old. Apparently I am MUCH cooler than a room full of family members and you should know you’re in BIG trouble when she’d rather eat her dinner in the garage with me!
January 2, 2011Posted by on
(a re-post from my favorite blogger and advice columner)
Just a quick disclaimer before we get started with today’s lesson: It’s come to my attention that some people believe I’m being “morally bankrupt and irresponsible” by writing this column because they feel that new mothers are too stupid to realize that this column is called “Ill-Advised” for a reason. I have considered their suggestion that I write a column that educates everyone and offends nobody but I’ve decided to continue to write one that offends everyone and educates no one because it’s more entertaining that way. For me, that is. And for all of the people who recognize this as a humor column. All three of us are laughing at you.
And now? Lesson eight: Prepare to be judged. And possibly stabbed.
Becoming a parent subjects you to a whirlwind of new and strange emotions and can leave you feeling more vulnerable than you have ever been in your life. It is at this exact moment that you will find yourself set upon by strangers intent on telling you exactly how terrible you are as a parent. You might think that you’ll easily brush these criticisms off as you are now a grown-up who understands that you are master of your own destiny and that peer pressure is something you overcame in high school, but then you’ll find yourself in tears because someone said your child will be a drug addict because you got an epidural, or that you should be forcibly sterilized because you put your kid on a leash.
That last one there? Not a joke. Totally happened to me. I was walking to the park with my daughter and she was wearing her halter and a woman rolled her eyes in disgust and whispered, “Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children” to her friend. Then I turned to her and said “SOME PEOPLE have children who have a hereditary condition that makes their elbows prone to dislocation at the slightest tug and if they hold their child’s’ hand and the kid falls then their elbows get dislocated and then SOME PEOPLE have to take their child to the doctor to watch the doctor put their tiny, screaming child’s elbow back in the socket. Maybe SOME PEOPLE SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS AND STOP BEING SO FUCKING JUDGEMENTAL OR I WILL STAB SOME PEOPLE IN THE FACE WITH MY KNITTING NEEDLES.”
That’s exactly what I said. Hours later. In my own head. I would never have said that out loud. Mostly because I don’t even own knitting needles. And also because I was still so unsure of my parenting decisions that I couldn’t defend them out loud. Which is sad because I was a great parent. And I still am. Not perfect. Not flawless. Not faultless. But great. And unless your children are currently locked in the bathroom while you go on a two-day bender I suspect you are too.
As long as you are a parent you will be judged and will be given unwanted advice. There will always be someone there to criticize you, but the good thing is that there is also someone there to criticize them. It’s a vicious cycle of blame and guilt and the best way to remove yourself from it is to realize that whatever decision you make for your family is the right one for you.
The circle of shame as overheard at a park:
“I can’t believe that you drank coke during pregnancy. I only drank warm milk. Your baby will probably have ADD.”
“You drank store-bought milk? That’s loaded with antibiotics and steroids. Your baby is like a tiny Incredible Hulk. I only drank milk from my own personal cow.”
“You drank raw milk during a mad-cow epidemic. How terribly irresponsible. I drank only purified bottled water from artesian wells.”
“Bottled water? Fabulous. So you’re the reason why my child will inherit a world filled with overflowing trash dumps. Way to shit on Mother Nature, asshole. I drank tap water from one, reusable cup. I even brought it with me to the hospital during labor.”
“You had your baby in a hospital? How cold and meaningless for you. I had my baby at home and my other children helped with the birth and then my husband cooked the placenta for us to eat.”
“So you forced your family to become cannibals. How wonderful for them. We planted our placenta with a sapling in the park to celebrate life.”
“You disposed of medical waste in the park. OUR PARK? Are you fucking kidding me? My kid is playing under a placenta tree? You don’t keep the placenta. You throw it away.”
“You threw away your placenta?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE OVERFLOWING LANDFILLS? Why aren’t you composting? It’s like you’re TRYING to destroy the earth.”
“Well, maybe I am. Maybe me and ‘my hulk baby‘ are trying to destroy the world using only store-bought milk and my placenta.”
“Oh my God, you are totally over-reacting. I blame all that store-bought milk in your system.”
“YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY.”
“Oh, is that a TV reference? We don’t own a TV. It’s not good for children.”
“Children? With current overpopulation issues you still decided to have children? We have limited resources and your decision is just plain selfish. I’m keeping my IUD, thankyouverymuch.
“YOUR IUD IS MAKING THE BABY JESUS CRY.”
“YOUR ANTIQUATED RELIGIOUS VIEWS ARE TEACHING MY CHILDREN INTOLERANCE.”
“YOUR CANNIBAL BABY JUST BIT MY BABY BECAUSE YOU TAUGHT IT TO HAVE A TASTE FOR HUMAN BLOOD.”
“TERRY, DON’T BITE THE HULK BABY. IT’S FULL OF STEROIDS AND RAGE.”
“I WILL KILL EVERYONE.”
And that’s why I don’t go on mommy-&-me play-dates anymore.
PS. I tried to cover all my bases but if I didn’t manage to offend you with this post please leave me a comment and I will try very hard to rectify that next week.
January 2, 2011Posted by on
Think about it, nothing good ever came of that sentence. Ever.
January 2, 2011Posted by on
Earlier today I found myself admitting to my husband that this is the first year that I’ve ever actually FELT like a NEW YEAR was starting once midnight rolled around. 2010 was a cluster fuck and I’m so happy to see it in the history books that I could practically pee myself. Probably not for the same cliché ass reasons that the rest of the world enjoys January 1 for though. Nope, this year I’m just happy that there might be a little relief in sight from the gigantic pile of steamy dog shit that keeps getting thrown my direction. I did not resolve to do anything in particular this year except to spend more time doing the shit that I want to do to make me happy (which is spend more time here annoying all of you) but for those of you that did make unrealistic resolutions to become sexy, here’s some advice:
1. You must commit to going to the gym regularly, but please remember that Spandex was not made for anyone who is not Kate Hudson because let’s face it… have you seen that bitch in Spandex? She rocks it. How? I don’t know but she does. When even an anorexic girl would look similar to creamed corn and doorknobs shoved into a trash bag, she looks freaking HOT… you don’t. You can’t pull off Spandex. Ever. Sorry.
2. Singing along while you run the track is not only welcome but also highly amusing for those of us who are on the elliptical watching you. You can’t carry a tune in a bucket but you sure can power walk the fuck out of those brand new tenny-runners!
3. Stopping at McDonald’s for a wilted, soggy, over-priced salad does not count as health food. End of story. Nothing purchased from ‘Donald’s can ever be health food. It might be a “better option” than the 1200 calorie burger and 2000 calorie fries but make no mistake, that salad has more calories than you think and will not send you to Hollywood Blvd anytime soon. You’re better off starving. Not that I’m saying you should be anorexic or anything but really… skip that drive thru.
4. Guys: we don’t think it is hot or sexy when you walk around trying to show off your muscles like you have something to prove. Steroids make your penis SMALLER so the only thing you have to prove is that your penis didn’t shrivel up, die, and fall off. Quite frankly we’d rather see Grandma Ruth’s sagging boobas than your “business.” EW.
5. Let’s face it the odds are against you. Out of all the other fatties that made losing weight and looking like a sex pot on 2 legs their 2011 resolution, only 35% of them managed to keep that goal through January. Follow through to July and the statistics drop down to a depressing 16%. So if you thought you were going to be Brad or Angelina, you’re going to have to work 4x harder than you thought and remember that there’s others trying to beat you out for the winning title.
6. Since you can’t eat cookies, cupcakes or ice cream… go ahead and just send it all to me.
7. When you fail, you could get back up and try again. But that would be cliché and also hard. So instead, just take a sedan-sized Prozac and eat a shit ton of cookies and ice cream. You might get fat again… maybe fatter… but at least you’ll be smiling while you enjoy. Also, the Prozac will make you not care that you’re fat, ugly and have lawn gnomes in your living room. Which is weird. Take those back outside before I call the asylum and tell them about your “friends”. Seriously!
HAPPY NUDE YEAR EVERYONE! Oh wait. Try not to run around nude until you look like Brad, Angelina, or Kate because the thought kinda just made me giggle (and gag) just a little.