Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
So You’ve Resolved to Lose 200lbs and Become Brangelina. Good Luck With That.
January 2, 2011Posted by on
Earlier today I found myself admitting to my husband that this is the first year that I’ve ever actually FELT like a NEW YEAR was starting once midnight rolled around. 2010 was a cluster fuck and I’m so happy to see it in the history books that I could practically pee myself. Probably not for the same cliché ass reasons that the rest of the world enjoys January 1 for though. Nope, this year I’m just happy that there might be a little relief in sight from the gigantic pile of steamy dog shit that keeps getting thrown my direction. I did not resolve to do anything in particular this year except to spend more time doing the shit that I want to do to make me happy (which is spend more time here annoying all of you) but for those of you that did make unrealistic resolutions to become sexy, here’s some advice:
1. You must commit to going to the gym regularly, but please remember that Spandex was not made for anyone who is not Kate Hudson because let’s face it… have you seen that bitch in Spandex? She rocks it. How? I don’t know but she does. When even an anorexic girl would look similar to creamed corn and doorknobs shoved into a trash bag, she looks freaking HOT… you don’t. You can’t pull off Spandex. Ever. Sorry.
2. Singing along while you run the track is not only welcome but also highly amusing for those of us who are on the elliptical watching you. You can’t carry a tune in a bucket but you sure can power walk the fuck out of those brand new tenny-runners!
3. Stopping at McDonald’s for a wilted, soggy, over-priced salad does not count as health food. End of story. Nothing purchased from ‘Donald’s can ever be health food. It might be a “better option” than the 1200 calorie burger and 2000 calorie fries but make no mistake, that salad has more calories than you think and will not send you to Hollywood Blvd anytime soon. You’re better off starving. Not that I’m saying you should be anorexic or anything but really… skip that drive thru.
4. Guys: we don’t think it is hot or sexy when you walk around trying to show off your muscles like you have something to prove. Steroids make your penis SMALLER so the only thing you have to prove is that your penis didn’t shrivel up, die, and fall off. Quite frankly we’d rather see Grandma Ruth’s sagging boobas than your “business.” EW.
5. Let’s face it the odds are against you. Out of all the other fatties that made losing weight and looking like a sex pot on 2 legs their 2011 resolution, only 35% of them managed to keep that goal through January. Follow through to July and the statistics drop down to a depressing 16%. So if you thought you were going to be Brad or Angelina, you’re going to have to work 4x harder than you thought and remember that there’s others trying to beat you out for the winning title.
6. Since you can’t eat cookies, cupcakes or ice cream… go ahead and just send it all to me.
7. When you fail, you could get back up and try again. But that would be cliché and also hard. So instead, just take a sedan-sized Prozac and eat a shit ton of cookies and ice cream. You might get fat again… maybe fatter… but at least you’ll be smiling while you enjoy. Also, the Prozac will make you not care that you’re fat, ugly and have lawn gnomes in your living room. Which is weird. Take those back outside before I call the asylum and tell them about your “friends”. Seriously!
HAPPY NUDE YEAR EVERYONE! Oh wait. Try not to run around nude until you look like Brad, Angelina, or Kate because the thought kinda just made me giggle (and gag) just a little.