The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Daily Archives: January 15, 2011

And Now I Know What A Pussy-Punch Is

C: I was waiting at the gas station to get gas and this lady in a big diesel cuts me off to get to the pump. The pump doesn’t even have diesel! That dumb bitch.

Me: Wow. Sounds like a hectic day getting gas.

C: It was! I wanted to… I wanted to yell at her. And then… Pussy-punch her.

Me: Whoa there killer. Really?

C: Yeah I know. Have you ever wanted to pussy-punch someone?!

Me: No, thats not exactly a practice that I regularly partake in.

…Yeah. Welcome to my marriage. But now that you mention it… I could think of a bitch or two that could use a good blow to the vag. After all, it seems like it would knock some sense into them. Crazy bitches.

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Miles Apart

Anatomically, the human tongue and brain are located within inches of eachother. When some people talk…. you’d think it were more like MILES.

Frostbite Isn’t Funny

(I wrote this last weekend but I didn’t have cell service in the blizzard to post it and then I forgot about it until now when I was looking at something else on my phone — feel free to skip it)
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I just saw the Mother-Fucking Polar Express! – and yes I had to “M F” it so you’d get the full effect of my excitement!!!

 

No shitting! So we’re driving home in a blizzard (at this VERY moment actually, I’m trying to keep myself busy so I don’t worry about the slicker-than-boogers highway and all the extra weight — ahem! Trailer, not fatties — behind us because we’ve almost died like 6 times and I haven’t even done half of the things on my bucket list) we’re going at a snooze-inducing 25 miles an hour on I-25. Talk about a Loooooong drive home. So you can imagine my excitement when I look over and realize that even though visibility is so poor I can’t see the traffic in the south-bound lanes, I can see the most amazing spectacle I’ve ever seen!! Lights that would cut through the thickest snow and fog on the planet! One way up high, two more in the middle and more closer to the ground the lights emit beams that look like….Oh mylanta. The Polar Express! I totally saw it. You didn’t! But you also didn’t spend 14 hours of your Sunday standing on a frozen lake in the middle of a blizzard with temps hovering in the single digits and the windchill well below zero. Did I mention BLIZZARD? ugh. As if that wasn’t enough, add in the ugly, life-threatening drive home and I totally deserved that goddamn miracle. Craig said it was probably just a freight train, why you gotta rain on my parade?? If I say it’s the POLAR EXPRESS, it’s the goddamn Polar Express!!!!

Oh and also, frostbite is not funny. That shit hurts. Apparently I didn’t actually have frostbite because if I did, it wouldn’t HURT… But let me tell you something, it sure as hell felt like I did. I sure wish I had me some ugly ass – but I bet they’re warmer than shit – Ugg Boots right now! Maybe my toes wouldn’t fall off and become puppy chow. Craig says I might be exaggerating again… That’s what I do. But really I have frost bite so if you find a human toe in your dog’s next bowl of kibble, it was probably mine. You’re welcome.

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