The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Monthly Archives: February 2011

Well Shit That Sucks



I don’t really even know what to say about that… except maybe that I hope the Bride washed it first…?

picture courtesy of  http://failblog.org

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But every now and then he does something I would do and it’s hilarious

I’m always saying that my husband doesn’t always “get me” and by that I mean I’ll say something random like “I really wish I had a Storm Trooper outfit. I’d wear it to the mall and to other places where people would think it was awesome and they’d want one too! And also I would snazz it up a little with the bedazzler and pretty colored polka dots… You know because white is just so last year”

This is precisely the type of thing I would say and then he would either just shake his head and quietly wonder why he married me or he’d look at me very serious-like and say something like “did you take your meds today?” (with the obligatory head-tilt of course…to make it seem as though he’s not here to hurt me and he genuinely cares – even though we all know he’s probably terrified that at any minute I might just lose my shit and eat his face off) sorry i digress… his grown-up-ness is respectable… BUT STILL you would think he’d know me by now, nope. Still surprising him with my randomness after all these years.

However. Occasionally he does something that I would do and it makes me wonder what he was doing prior to it because quite frankly, I wish i had thought of that shit. Nevertheless he must know that I’m gleaming with pride. (And I’m making his Storm Trooper outfit as we speak!!! Do you think he wants blue rhinestones or green?)

So here it is… The random text message I get while I’m in the middle of taking a sip of hot tea and on the phone with a client:

It’s just easier

Well I can’t make everyone happy. Suppose I’ll just be content to confuse, annoy and offend you all.

Overcompensating in more than one way

Lifted trucks are for boys who like skinny bitches.

And THIS is probably why my friends wish they could have me killed

Conversation with my best friend “H”

BM: Hey stranger! How’s it?

H: I’m sick…meh.

BM: Oh man. Sorry! Got the poops?

H: No a cold.

BM: A cold with the poops?

H: No ya dope, just a cold.

BM: Ohhhh I get it. You NEED to poop! Maybe if you poop you’ll feel better!

H: You’re a dork

BM: A dork who poops and isn’t sick! I think I might be on to something….

H: LOL

BM: See? You miss me dontcha?! ;0)

H: You Betcha

BM: Yessss!!!! I knew it. They all said you didn’t but I was positive that you still love me even if I did leave a booger in your minivan.

H: booger?

BM: Nevermind that. What’s for dinner?

(and p.s. “BM” stands for BLogMuSe… That’s ME!!…. NOT bowel movement sickos…)

ZzzzzzZzzzz

Wondering…why aren’t turkeys narcoleptic with all that tryptophan floating around in them??

Push and Pull

Martyrdom doesn’t make you noble, it makes you a self-indicted sacrificial lamb.

And Now I know Why It’s Dangerous For Me to be Off My Meds…

My Sister and I regularly have convresations that I ask myself  “What must our conversations look like to other people?” Well, I still don’t know but I do know that a carnie shark would be like the coolest thing on the planet. EVER.  

Fish: so I think I’m going to do laser. LHE.

Me: So do they like point a shark with a laser on it’s head at you, or what? Because I’m pretty sure Sharks with lasers are dangerous. 

Fish: I’m sure 

Me: Do you think that you could take pictures or have visitors during the process? I’ve always wanted to see a shark + laser in action. 

Fish: Of Course.

Me:  How much do you think they pay the shark? Surely it’s not good for his health… he needs hazard pay 

Fish: Probably double  

Me: I bet they feed him the people that don’t survive too. That would totally be worth it for him. Lunch and a show. Do you think he gets pissed off when people won’t sit still? 

Fish: LOL

Me: seriously though, I wonder what happens when he gets all mad… does he like turn into HULK Shark? I’d totally pay to see a HULKY Shark with a laser. If so, he should really be in a circus and not a dermatologist’s office. I think he’d make more money there.

Fish: He could be a carnie and travel he carnival. We could catch him at the state fair 

Me: For real. But then do you have to pay the midgets for your laser treatment, or??… 

See full size image That’s our shark! He walks and he shoots his laser to give you amazing skin. But he also has a side-job as a carnie because he has a shark family to feed and they all don’t have lasers so they can’t just shoot their laser to kill their prey. And also, it has a laser sound effect when he does shoot stuff… you know, like *Pfew*Pfew* — FYI- the “F” is silent.

* And that’s about the time she stopped responding* I think maybe she realized the only way to get me to stop is to stop playing along. Except I didn’t stop…what a pain I am.  (*temporarily anyway… then the conversation continued on about flesh-eating cobras – FECs- and how the Bank of America = BOA = Boa constrictor… it’s really a long story)

You Can Totally Milk an Iguana

So yeah. Pretty much I think Craig has gotten used to my randomness. I ask him to please please please get me Stroganoff from Noodles & Co. for lunch because I pretty much feel that I need it  or I might die. Which is of course how I convince him to leave work, go out in the snow, and get me some heavenly goodness of comfort food. (mind you we DO have a cafeteria here at work but the food is marginal at best and they sure don’t serve Noodles & Co. Stroganoff or else I would eat there like every day. Can you die from too much Stroganoff? Nah…)

Anyway, I send him out in the cold. Oh and by the way… can you please pick up something for my sister?? You know, since you’re out anyway?? Of course he tells me yes because he’s my knight-in-shining-armor. So I tell him “THANKS BABE!! You’re my lunchtime hero and I will re-pay you in Iguana eggs”…. His response is “you’re welcome.”  NOTHING (!!!) about the Iguana eggs. Apparently he knows that I’m either full of it or that I actually went out and bought an Iguana at some point and I plan some kind of “squeezing-out-of-the-eggs” RITUAL like a crazy person… ? My money is on the latter of the two. He must know I am already squeezing the life out of that sucker as we speak. Funny though, I didn’t know you could get Iguana milk too, just by squeezing it? (Oh how my husband must love me.)

See full size image << Iguana. AKA: la victima. (see, that dude is squeezing it for eggs! cool huh? too bad he’s missing the ritualistic headdress and feather boa that makes his ritual genuine.)

See full size image << Look at what Craig will get out of the eggs I pay him in? MORE IGUANAS. YAY!!!! Sorry I couldn’t find any pictures of Iguana milk… Apparently because it is an extremely rare delicacy and I will make millions for the little bit that I did manage to get out. Awesome. I am going straight to EBay! Happy bidding friends! Happy bidding.

Newsflash

For the record; crayons, the red ones… They aren’t cherry flavored.

The Wedding Singer Really is a Sad Movie

The stupid things they don’t tell you about pregnancy (they hide it cleverly in books that you’d never touch until AFTER you get knocked up… no wonder people still keep doing it!)

1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes asshole, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. THANKS. 

2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since ALL you need right now is to be EXTRA bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.

3. You now have new frenemies where you DON’T  want them to be hanging out. You THOUGHT your butt was a one-man show but nope. It has buddies now that seem to be indefinite house guests… I should probably clarify that I’m talking the *gasp* hemorrhoids here. ouch! Bloody hell!  (pun intended)

4. The second someone asks you how you are feeling (with that empathetic head tilt) you’ll fantasize about strangling them except strangling wouldn’t be nearly as fun as something the Jeepers Creepers dude would come up with.

5. You’ll find it entirely acceptable and appropriate to eat 6 bowls of cereal and follow it up with a chaser of 3 full glasses of OJ and then a  box of Popsicles just because they looked and tasted like heaven and the cereal and OJ wasn’t enough?

 

6. Your Husband’s face will start morphing into things like  talking donuts (with rainbow sprinkles of course) red velvet cupcakes, and Lofthouse Cookies right before your very eyes in the middle of a perfectly normal adult conversation.

7. You will not be able to take any of your usual meds to keep you sane and functioning like a normal human being… Even though you probably really need the Prozac to keep you from eating small children or ripping your mother’s face off.

8. It will send you over the edge when your favorite restaurant runs out of the fried rice you’ve been craving for 3 days. Sorry little Chinese lady but honestly, who runs out of fried rice with 4 hours left before closing time? Bitch.

9. Those bitches that “just LOOOOOVED being pregnant” will make you want to throw them off a bridge into oncoming traffic because they gush about how “easy” their pregnancy was and they didn’t have morning sickness or gain 600lbs or anything. Really? That’s great, I’m NOT you so go play in traffic before I throw you overboard!!

10. Morning-sickness can actually be any-time-of-the-day-sickness which is sooooo much fun. And makes you so cute. Nothing says I’m sexy like puking your guts out in front of the man who did this to you. 

11. You WILL cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…????

12. At the end of this lovely 9 month adventure, they expect you to shove a WHOLE PERSON out of your naughty bits…. Ick!? I don’t care how miraculous and beautiful it is… It’s still icky and now my vagina hurts just thinking about it… If it could, it would curl up into the fetal position, sucking it’s thumb and hide while saying things like “I’m not gonna do THAT. Nope. No way. You can’t make me!!”

There’s lots more on this list but… I’m exhausted and too tired to keep writing….Yeah Marsha, I know you had EXTRA energy every time you were pregnant. Well I don’t. so either rub my back so I can nap or shut the fuck up about your perfect pregnancy and your perfect spawn of Satan because I want to rip your face off your face. (?!? admittedly, that sounded a little better in my head. Not executed so well in writing.)

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