The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

The Wedding Singer Really is a Sad Movie

The stupid things they don’t tell you about pregnancy (they hide it cleverly in books that you’d never touch until AFTER you get knocked up… no wonder people still keep doing it!)

1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes asshole, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. THANKS. 

2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since ALL you need right now is to be EXTRA bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.

3. You now have new frenemies where you DON’T  want them to be hanging out. You THOUGHT your butt was a one-man show but nope. It has buddies now that seem to be indefinite house guests… I should probably clarify that I’m talking the *gasp* hemorrhoids here. ouch! Bloody hell!  (pun intended)

4. The second someone asks you how you are feeling (with that empathetic head tilt) you’ll fantasize about strangling them except strangling wouldn’t be nearly as fun as something the Jeepers Creepers dude would come up with.

5. You’ll find it entirely acceptable and appropriate to eat 6 bowls of cereal and follow it up with a chaser of 3 full glasses of OJ and then a  box of Popsicles just because they looked and tasted like heaven and the cereal and OJ wasn’t enough?


6. Your Husband’s face will start morphing into things like  talking donuts (with rainbow sprinkles of course) red velvet cupcakes, and Lofthouse Cookies right before your very eyes in the middle of a perfectly normal adult conversation.

7. You will not be able to take any of your usual meds to keep you sane and functioning like a normal human being… Even though you probably really need the Prozac to keep you from eating small children or ripping your mother’s face off.

8. It will send you over the edge when your favorite restaurant runs out of the fried rice you’ve been craving for 3 days. Sorry little Chinese lady but honestly, who runs out of fried rice with 4 hours left before closing time? Bitch.

9. Those bitches that “just LOOOOOVED being pregnant” will make you want to throw them off a bridge into oncoming traffic because they gush about how “easy” their pregnancy was and they didn’t have morning sickness or gain 600lbs or anything. Really? That’s great, I’m NOT you so go play in traffic before I throw you overboard!!

10. Morning-sickness can actually be any-time-of-the-day-sickness which is sooooo much fun. And makes you so cute. Nothing says I’m sexy like puking your guts out in front of the man who did this to you. 

11. You WILL cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…????

12. At the end of this lovely 9 month adventure, they expect you to shove a WHOLE PERSON out of your naughty bits…. Ick!? I don’t care how miraculous and beautiful it is… It’s still icky and now my vagina hurts just thinking about it… If it could, it would curl up into the fetal position, sucking it’s thumb and hide while saying things like “I’m not gonna do THAT. Nope. No way. You can’t make me!!”

There’s lots more on this list but… I’m exhausted and too tired to keep writing….Yeah Marsha, I know you had EXTRA energy every time you were pregnant. Well I don’t. so either rub my back so I can nap or shut the fuck up about your perfect pregnancy and your perfect spawn of Satan because I want to rip your face off your face. (?!? admittedly, that sounded a little better in my head. Not executed so well in writing.)

10 responses to “The Wedding Singer Really is a Sad Movie

  1. Wads January 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Oh man, Jess, you are just going to have SO MUCH more shit to write about now that you are pregnant and will have little rugrats. They are the spice of life, I tell ya, and will be an endless source of material for you. 🙂 I had 2 pretty awful pregnancies, felt terrible pretty much the entire 9 months and gained about 70 lbs each time … so I’m NOT one of those women you refer to! But I do have to say that even though pregnancy drags on for an eternity, there are some good things about it (i.e. lots of excuses to do things you wouldn’t normally do, eat, etc) and you do eventually move on to better stuff like changing yucky green diapers, lack of sleep, spit up … uh … oh, but also cuteness and cuddles and hugs and sweet smells. Ah, what a mixed bag it is, but one I would suffer through over and over again because the blessings of motherhood are beyond description. Just sayin! 🙂

  2. Wads January 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Hee hee … trust me … I would if my husband would let me. 🙂

    • theBLogMuSe January 30, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      OH… and it’s HIS decision? meh… do what you want I say! Go forth and let those screaming mimi’s launch from your loins like a pez dispenser. Then I can call you a Duggar!

  3. Maureen January 31, 2011 at 4:23 am

    I stopped at one because the pain is more than I could ever endure more than once. By comparison menopause was a breeze. Just imagine being constipated for 9 months and then having to shit a out a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon. Just saying– take ALL the drugs that you can get during labor–“natural childbirth” is way over rated. Also once the blessed event happens, you will be getting unsolicited child rearing advice from everyone you know and don’t know. Its amazing how much your childless old maid aunt knows about taking care of kids.

    • theBLogMuSe January 31, 2011 at 2:52 pm

      Maureen my dear, it gets so much better after #… well it doesn’t get better but it is pretty funny that I “hate you with my vagina” so… if you so choose to read the rest of the post I will happily provide the meds for your PTSD when you’re done. Since technically I can’t use them right now…

  4. carolyn January 31, 2011 at 6:18 am

    OK, so bless your poor pregnant heart. The Wedding Singer thing is HYS-ter-i-cal! I remember when I was pregnant with my son, Apollo 13 came on every fifteen minutes on cable. And I watched it every time. It’s historical FACT that they all make it back in one piece. And I still would sit on my sofa and hold my breath for the however many minutes they lost contact and then SOBBED every single f-ing time they finally showed that little capsule dangling from parachutes like it was a miracle they made it out *this* time. Because it could have ended differently from the *last* time. . .

    • theBLogMuSe January 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm

      In your defense… the movie makers always do what they want… You NEVER know if they decided to change shit up and screw with you while you were all hopped up on those pregnancy hormones (They are out to get you… I swear!)

  5. Mary Ellen Quagliaroli January 31, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Ok, got my period when i was 9! Yikes! So at 40,I had that pause from men surgery! Did have 2 kids though. So to point. I know exactly, ya hear me? Exactly how you feel. What is wrong with eating six jelly donuts after your md visit, even after he told me I gained 20lbs in one month? And, gasp, family tells me I regret it when I deliver. Of course I did! But, I said it was as smooth as a jelly donut. Tks for this blog. LMAO!!

    • theBLogMuSe January 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm

      Please for God’s sake, please wish for me a 6lb (preferrably less…??) baby

      (HEALTHY THOUGH OF COURSE) LOL I’m aiming for the healthiest tiniest kid possible or I will ask for that c-section… My doctor will hear all about some medical reason that I will NEEEED it… he won’t believe me but I will ASK nonetheless. I figure if all else fails, I’ll just say “I can’t and I won’t” and then I get the c-section… yes? Perfectly rational. I agree.

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