I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
The stupid things they don’t tell you about pregnancy (they hide it cleverly in books that you’d never touch until AFTER you get knocked up… no wonder people still keep doing it!)
1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes asshole, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. THANKS.
2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since ALL you need right now is to be EXTRA bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.
3. You now have new frenemies where you DON’T want them to be hanging out. You THOUGHT your butt was a one-man show but nope. It has buddies now that seem to be indefinite house guests… I should probably clarify that I’m talking the *gasp* hemorrhoids here. ouch! Bloody hell! (pun intended)
4. The second someone asks you how you are feeling (with that empathetic head tilt) you’ll fantasize about strangling them except strangling wouldn’t be nearly as fun as something the Jeepers Creepers dude would come up with.
5. You’ll find it entirely acceptable and appropriate to eat 6 bowls of cereal and follow it up with a chaser of 3 full glasses of OJ and then a box of Popsicles just because they looked and tasted like heaven and the cereal and OJ wasn’t enough?
7. You will not be able to take any of your usual meds to keep you sane and functioning like a normal human being… Even though you probably really need the Prozac to keep you from eating small children or ripping your mother’s face off.
8. It will send you over the edge when your favorite restaurant runs out of the fried rice you’ve been craving for 3 days. Sorry little Chinese lady but honestly, who runs out of fried rice with 4 hours left before closing time? Bitch.
9. Those bitches that “just LOOOOOVED being pregnant” will make you want to throw them off a bridge into oncoming traffic because they gush about how “easy” their pregnancy was and they didn’t have morning sickness or gain 600lbs or anything. Really? That’s great, I’m NOT you so go play in traffic before I throw you overboard!!
10. Morning-sickness can actually be any-time-of-the-day-sickness which is sooooo much fun. And makes you so cute. Nothing says I’m sexy like puking your guts out in front of the man who did this to you.
11. You WILL cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…????
12. At the end of this lovely 9 month adventure, they expect you to shove a WHOLE PERSON out of your naughty bits…. Ick!? I don’t care how miraculous and beautiful it is… It’s still icky and now my vagina hurts just thinking about it… If it could, it would curl up into the fetal position, sucking it’s thumb and hide while saying things like “I’m not gonna do THAT. Nope. No way. You can’t make me!!”
There’s lots more on this list but… I’m exhausted and too tired to keep writing….Yeah Marsha, I know you had EXTRA energy every time you were pregnant. Well I don’t. so either rub my back so I can nap or shut the fuck up about your perfect pregnancy and your perfect spawn of Satan because I want to rip your face off your face. (?!? admittedly, that sounded a little better in my head. Not executed so well in writing.)
Bars have the good sense to cut people off… McDonald’s should institute a similar rule.
I think my dog’s feet smell like delicious corn chips… Fritos to be exact
I eat JeLLo through a straw
I would just like to know what ever happened to the prize inside the damn cereal box?!
I hate it when you eat asparagus and your pee stinks!
I can just hear the lyrics now. “Smelly Jess… Smeeeeeelly Jess, what.are.they feeding you. Smelly Jess, Smeelllllly Jess, It’s.not yourrrrrr fau.u.uult”