I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
I’m like an ugly, shaggy dog…. old, grouchy, and definitely not cute or cuddly. BUT kind of funny when I chase my tail so you keep me around for parties or in case I do something really entertaining when you need a laugh. You don’t want to pet me since I might just bite you or pee on your bed; you just never know with me. That’s my gift to you: spontaneity YOU’RE WELCOME.
A good friend posts a cute picture of her cat watching TV and your comment is: “OMG!! Where is your mattress pad, sheets and comforter?! Your bed is NAKED on Facebook!!!”
Bars have the good sense to cut people off… McDonald’s should institute a similar rule.
I think my car likes it when we’re the car in front leading a bunch of others. It’s like being the Commander in Chief leading them into battle! We are badass and awesome!
Just saw something randomly funny! Thought the guys shirt said FAT MAN but it said BAT MAN. Don’t know why I was so distracted to think that? Maybe the 6 yds of fabric the logo was on?
Editor’s note: he insisted that I post this on my blog. Which I felt super obligated to do because he usually doesn’t show much interest in my blog. (Probably because he stars in half of it.) Either way, I was kind of proud that he wanted me to post it and even though its totally not as funny as he probably thought it was, I love him for showing an interest in my blog, even for a few seconds. *WIN*
I strongly advise against the plucking of rogue nose hairs with tweezers. Even if it is a “cliff hanger” … you WILL regret not waiting until more appropriate grooming tools are available!!
I find it entirely preposterous that for the better part of my life a juice pouch has been making a complete mockery of my intelligence and hand-eye coordination. Capri Sun, you suck.
On Proving points
Me: wow, does that jerk have his brights on?
Craig: No Kidding! Watch this…
<husband swerves toward said jerk and simultaneously hits the switch to ‘flash our brights’ at him>
Me: Wowwwww… you REALLY showed him!! Swerving in his direction and turning on the WINSHIELD WIPERS definitely got your message across, I’m sure…
Craig: Sssshhh I hit the wrong switch!
Me: Still I bet he was scared shitless.
Craig: Do you ever stop talking?
Me: Apparently not.
Apparently men’s asses, can develop the ability, after marriage, for farts to just fall right on out “without their knowledge”
I was not Hitler or Stalin in a past life. I have evidence of this. Please stop dishing me up their punishments. I can’t handle and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve any more of this and I’m not a terrible person. (I might also have evidence of this.)
I think my dog’s feet smell like delicious corn chips… Fritos to be exact
Growing up in Colorado, I learned early on that bitter-cold winters mixed with fancy, shiny, chrome bumpers on pick-up trucks are imperative to a girl’s development of strong leg muscles and “hovering skills”
I spontaneously bust out my sweet, sweet ninja skills on the ground and other solid objects. I am a trained professional, it was only staged to look like an accident.
Southern Woman = Southern Belle …so… Mexican Woman = Taco Bell?
I want a monkey so that when I get mad and throw my poop I have someone to blame it on.
Cerebrovascular-weather-barometer-telling-device-thingy (yes that is a very technical term) say: “weather change is happening NOW!”
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia – The fear of long words. Is literally the hippopotamus– and monster-related fear of very long words.
Dear Mom: Now that I’m an adult, I will answer this question… Obviously, I was thinking I was going to get away with it.
No, I really don’t have to be so sarcastic but then again… I was born with this gift, I feel I should use it.
So if a Duck’s “quack” doesn’t echo, what about it’s fart?!
“It was already like that when I got here”
So is it considered taunting if your dog poops in front of a guy with a colostomy bag?
I eat JeLLo through a straw
So there I was in traffic… had the best random thought ever (as in I giggled out loud to myself in the middle of a sing-along funny)So now I’m stuck with this story of how I came up with it and then forgot it but I have no idea what it was! So much for that waste of awesomeness…
Some people make really ugly babies.
Fact: approximately 8,000 Americans are injured each year by musical instruments….
Yeah, not even really sure what to say about that; except that the possibilities are both endless and at the same time also disturbing in ways I am pretty sure that I prefer not to think about.
We received the following e-mail memo from our company, the e-mails that follow are way too funny NOT to share….
Recently, we have experienced fire alarms at multiple locations across the country, prompted by burning popcorn. Not only is this a hazard for our employees, but it has the potential to keep local fire companies from responding to more serious accidents and fires.
Effective immediately, employees must remain with their items during the entire time of microwave usage. Do not place your food in the microwave and walk away.
Employees who violate this guideline will be subject to disciplinary action from their managers.
** click the Read More link below for the rest of the story**
C: No popcorn children! I can relate, my wonderful husband will put popcorn in for 10 minutes, then go outside. The smell stays in the house for days.
AM: LOL! 10 minutes?!? Who on Earth thinks that popcorns goes in the micro for any longer than like 3 maybe 3 and a half minutes?? OMG
C: In his defense, he makes the main course whenever we have friends over for dinner, and quite well! Popcorn… is confusing.
K: Ummm not really, technology has evolved and for men… they invented a button on the micro that says POPCORN, go figure and all you do is push and it will do everything for you! LOL
D: That is too funny K, just like putting down the seat after they use the restroom…..such difficulties for their little brains.
K: That reminded me of my husband when I put the toilet protector on so Troublemaker couldn’t open it. He was there for the longest time trying to figure out how to open it! LOL. You mean they didn’t teach you that in college? What a site to see a grown man wiggling around like a little kid trying to open the potty LOL!
AM: OMG that’s NOT NOT NOT funny!! I avoided going pee at my friend’s house for the LONGEST time because her toilets were smarter than me! (she had the lock thingies too) The first time I went in there I even had to flush the toilet and wash my hands so they didn’t know that the toilet out-smarted me. Almost a year later I finally had to admit that I was dumb because there was no way I could make it any longer…. Too many glasses of ummm water? … and about an hour Doogie -her hubby – asked me (he was the one who had to show me how to use the darn thing) how I managed this whole time and I had to finally admit that I was a FRAUD! And that I faked it the first time and I was usually DYING by the time I left for the past year. my friend laughed so hard I’m pretty sure she almost peed herself!
K: That is too funny! You pretending to go potty! I am over cracking up! And after a year? you’re funny!
AM: I’m Glad you find pleasure in my pain! No wonder my bladder and kidneys are messed up. Too proud to say the baby-proofing is smarter than me. What has this world come to?!?
K: For Real! That is HILARIOUS!! You can’t be too proud, Arbitrary Musings! LOL
AM: You would have done the same thing!
K: I can see maybe a couple times but not for a YEAR.
AM: I went in there fumbled around for a while and just couldn’t get into the stupid toilet. That thing had outsmarted me and choked down my pride like it was a filet mignon. I had no choice but to FAKE IT!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
K: That is SO FUNNY! Oh man, you faking it. SO FUNNY!!!!
AM: I didn’t fake it for a whole year. I faked it ONCE. Then just held it for a year!
K: I understand but I don’t know if I would have faked it! IT IS STILL FUNNY THOUGH!!
AM: Their bathrooms became like Caves of Forbidden Secrets!! You NEVER ENTER! NEVER! EVER!!!! Even if you gotta poo! Don’t DO IT! NOT WORTH IT.
K: They are hard to figure out, really I know what you mean. The only reason I knew is because I read the instructions.
Oh man, if you gotta poo, you’re DONE for!!! Your hubby would have to get you new pants! You certainly couldn’t fake that!
AM: NO You hold it! No matter what the cost is!! Now quit picking on me! I need to be productive leave me alone!!
K: Ok Ok Ok but you know I luv ya! Too funny! Bubble guts the whole time huh? I’m just sayin’ … OK back to work.
AM: STILL, you HOLD IT. Besides, you know how if you hold it long enough, the need just goes away after awhile? (it comes back with a vengeance later though. You don’t want to be there when it does)
But you just pretend it’s your first date with someone like Brad Pitt and then you can make it. But if you got bubble guts, you just gotta text the hubby or a family member to call with an emergency!! You GOTS TO GO. PEACE!
So if Morgan Freeman narrated my life, would it sound fancier? Cause Lord knows I really need all the help I can get! Otherwise, they might hire someone like Jeff Foxworthy (I prefer Dane Cook though… just cuz that would be much more fun!…in case anyone cares…??!?!)
My give-a-damn has been outsourced to India. “Thank You Come Again.”
Oh, I am so grinning like a cat with a strawberry flavored ass right now ;0)
Got a bad case of Lazybitchitis today
I’m just so happy, I could shit party favors
My memory seems to work less efficiently than my forgetory
Sarcasm Mode: Enabled
Oh I’m sorry, I guess I need a new calendar. Mine doesn’t say it’s national fucktard day!…
…… better not, it hurts
There is method to my madness…OK, its mostly madness but that’s irrelevant.
This all could have been avoided if you would have just bought the Sham-Wow!
“Umm.Like.Hi. <hair twist> Like. <gum popping> Welcome to Abercrombie! You wanna like try that on <more hair twisting and gum popping> what size are you? Small, Xtra Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, or Skeletor?”
I think paranoid people are following me.
Today’s post has been brought to you by the letters: “W”, “T”, and “F”
Mostly drunk with a 10% chance of a hangover. Enjoy folks!
Wouldn’t it be so much funnier if Father’s day day was 9 months after St.Patrick’s Day?
Funny word alert: Arachibutyrophobia. Look that shit up!! LoL…