I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
The stupid things they don’t tell you about pregnancy (they hide it cleverly in books that you’d never touch until AFTER you get knocked up… no wonder people still keep doing it!)
1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes asshole, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. THANKS.
2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since ALL you need right now is to be EXTRA bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.
3. You now have new frenemies where you DON’T want them to be hanging out. You THOUGHT your butt was a one-man show but nope. It has buddies now that seem to be indefinite house guests… I should probably clarify that I’m talking the *gasp* hemorrhoids here. ouch! Bloody hell! (pun intended)
4. The second someone asks you how you are feeling (with that empathetic head tilt) you’ll fantasize about strangling them except strangling wouldn’t be nearly as fun as something the Jeepers Creepers dude would come up with.
5. You’ll find it entirely acceptable and appropriate to eat 6 bowls of cereal and follow it up with a chaser of 3 full glasses of OJ and then a box of Popsicles just because they looked and tasted like heaven and the cereal and OJ wasn’t enough?
7. You will not be able to take any of your usual meds to keep you sane and functioning like a normal human being… Even though you probably really need the Prozac to keep you from eating small children or ripping your mother’s face off.
8. It will send you over the edge when your favorite restaurant runs out of the fried rice you’ve been craving for 3 days. Sorry little Chinese lady but honestly, who runs out of fried rice with 4 hours left before closing time? Bitch.
9. Those bitches that “just LOOOOOVED being pregnant” will make you want to throw them off a bridge into oncoming traffic because they gush about how “easy” their pregnancy was and they didn’t have morning sickness or gain 600lbs or anything. Really? That’s great, I’m NOT you so go play in traffic before I throw you overboard!!
10. Morning-sickness can actually be any-time-of-the-day-sickness which is sooooo much fun. And makes you so cute. Nothing says I’m sexy like puking your guts out in front of the man who did this to you.
11. You WILL cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…????
12. At the end of this lovely 9 month adventure, they expect you to shove a WHOLE PERSON out of your naughty bits…. Ick!? I don’t care how miraculous and beautiful it is… It’s still icky and now my vagina hurts just thinking about it… If it could, it would curl up into the fetal position, sucking it’s thumb and hide while saying things like “I’m not gonna do THAT. Nope. No way. You can’t make me!!”
There’s lots more on this list but… I’m exhausted and too tired to keep writing….Yeah Marsha, I know you had EXTRA energy every time you were pregnant. Well I don’t. so either rub my back so I can nap or shut the fuck up about your perfect pregnancy and your perfect spawn of Satan because I want to rip your face off your face. (?!? admittedly, that sounded a little better in my head. Not executed so well in writing.)
It never really made much sense to me until now… That is how much you actually change as a pregnant person. I know it’s happening like I stand outside my body as an outsider and I can’t stop the stupid shit that is about to happen or come out of my mouth.
This must be what coma patients feel like. You know if they can hover above themselves but not have control of the shit that’s about to come flying out of their mouth or the things they do, but you know since they’re in a coma I’m just making shit up because last time I checked people in comas don’t say or do stupid shit because they well…can’t. (I actually envy this skill a little right now) Hence the coma? Wow. That actually just came out of my head. I’m ashamed. (It is 3 AM though… if that counts for anything)
Anyway, I really always thought pregnant women used “pregnancy brain” and excessive hormones as an excuse. But I know now it’s REAL and it happens to the best of us. How do I know? Well the following are actual things I did or said recently that I probably shouldn’t admit to:
Today, I stood at my jeep trying to get the damn thing unlocked for probably 5 full minutes (aka: eternity) Pushing the unlock button on my key fab and shoving the key into the door lock when it wouldn’t unlock with the remote. It was somewhere around the 6th minute that I realized I was on the wrong floor of the parking garage. This wasn’t MY JEEP. Oh and to make this event even more insulting to my intelligence? The goddamn thing wasn’t even the same color. Was it close? NO. My jeep is a dark charcoal gray. This one? R.E.D. Like a big fucking fire truck.
Also today, during a conversation with a friend I told her that I am going to Estes Park this weekend for my birthday… Yeah I just got back from that trip YESTERDAY… I’m not hopping in a DeLorean this week and even if I do I think it would be missing a flux-capacitor-thingy (that’s a very technical term by the way) to send me back in time!!
I also tried to put a 9volt battery into my wireless mouse and proceeded to get really, really pissed when it wouldn’t fit!! I’m not quite sure anyone understands how pissed I was! I was in tears because I was so mad!! It wasn’t until later after I hooked up my backup (non-wireless-damn-it) mouse that I realized the piece of shit needs a triple-A battery. You know the teeny tiny cylindrical battery that has a AAA stamped on it? Yep. Not even the same shape Jessica! Square peg, round hole?!? Fuck.
I could go on about the other things I’ve done, like almost feed the dog a bowl full of dry Froot Loops instead of her dry dog food but I think I’ll save some for upcoming posts…. Stay tuned, my stupidity is reaching new levels!!
I also put the ice cream in the pantry but in my defense, I’ve done things like that before I was pregnant.
Oh. P.S. – I’m pregnant!… Yep. Hold onto something very sturdy world, I am reproducing. Yikes.