I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
Migraines: about as fun as honeymoon handjobs.
I’m like an ugly, shaggy dog…. old, grouchy, and definitely not cute or cuddly. BUT kind of funny when I chase my tail so you keep me around for parties or in case I do something really entertaining when you need a laugh. You don’t want to pet me since I might just bite you or pee on your bed; you just never know with me. That’s my gift to you: spontaneity YOU’RE WELCOME.
I strongly advise against the plucking of rogue nose hairs with tweezers. Even if it is a “cliff hanger” … you WILL regret not waiting until more appropriate grooming tools are available!!
I spontaneously bust out my sweet, sweet ninja skills on the ground and other solid objects. I am a trained professional, it was only staged to look like an accident.
Fact: approximately 8,000 Americans are injured each year by musical instruments….
Yeah, not even really sure what to say about that; except that the possibilities are both endless and at the same time also disturbing in ways I am pretty sure that I prefer not to think about.
We have the worst toilet paper at work (cheap bastards) When I went to go pee, it made me think of something… How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?