I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
I’m like an ugly, shaggy dog…. old, grouchy, and definitely not cute or cuddly. BUT kind of funny when I chase my tail so you keep me around for parties or in case I do something really entertaining when you need a laugh. You don’t want to pet me since I might just bite you or pee on your bed; you just never know with me. That’s my gift to you: spontaneity YOU’RE WELCOME.
Growing up in Colorado, I learned early on that bitter-cold winters mixed with fancy, shiny, chrome bumpers on pick-up trucks are imperative to a girl’s development of strong leg muscles and “hovering skills”
We have the worst toilet paper at work (cheap bastards) When I went to go pee, it made me think of something… How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
I hate it when you eat asparagus and your pee stinks!
I can just hear the lyrics now. “Smelly Jess… Smeeeeeelly Jess, what.are.they feeding you. Smelly Jess, Smeelllllly Jess, It’s.not yourrrrrr fau.u.uult”