I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
If you are my Mother-in-law, I’d just like to say HI! Stop here now. There is nothing further to read. At all. No really. Go have some ice cream. Bye!!!
(And also, if you KNOW her… don’t you go telling her that there’s anything beyond “Hi” here for her. Or I will find you. I will find you and cut you. Hard. Because I’m like Charlie Sheen. Except without certain anatomy and a little less drunk (did I mention I WISH I was drunk though?))
Ok now that she’s gone I have to tell you about the fact that she thinks I’m a whale. A fucking whale. I know right? Ok here’s how it goes:
freaking out about learning about this pregnancy and baby stuff. I know, I know, you’re going “Duh” right about now. I get it. But seriously, you don’t know the torture involved and as if I don’t feel fat enough? My mother-in-law actually tells me I am. We she didn’t say it but you know, she did something that basically says “you’re one huge slurpee away from going to fat camp”
So you’re wondering what she did? Sigh… she goes out and buys me a couple maternity tops. Awww, bless her heart, that’s so nice and shit. Yeah shit. Precisely how I feel. You see I am not yet quite fat enough for the Queen Latifah clothes – she looks good now, I know but think back a few years ok – I’m just making a point here. So I don’t look pregnant I just LOOK like I had too many deep fried corn fritters.. Hmm… corn fritters. Oh.right.get.to.it…. anyway… So I hadn’t gone out and even looked at maternity clothes yet but her being the nice crazy lady that she is, she buys me some.
Well, I don’t know if she got the memo about how you buy your PRE-PREGNANCY size or what, I’m hoping that she doesn’t know that because otherwise she has some sort of asshole preconceived notion that I am hiding a very large woman in me somewhere. She buys me 4 tops, all extra large. Ok before you get all offended, please know that I find nothing wrong with XL at all. I admire curvy women – well except when you bitch and complain that you can’t wear a bikini while you gargle a Big Mac and suck down a Big Gulp-sized chocolate shake… I digress again…
Here’s the part where I have to swallow my pride. When I got pregnant I was between 130 and 135lbs. Not anorexic but definitely a happy size 3-5 (oh my god… yes I STILL buy my clothes in the juniors section, I’m struggling with the fact that I’m older than 25…BITE ME) So here we go. According to nearly every single maternity sizing guide I can find I would be a medium at most. Now I don’t know if you know this or not, clearly my MIL is part of the not… but apparently there is a big difference between medium and extra large in maternity world. By that I mean that the tops she bought me, would be big for DRESSES on me. I look like I’ve devolved into a 6 year-old dressing up in my
mom’s Dad’s clothes. Exactly how big does this lady think I am?!?
The best part is that she told me that when she shops for clothes for me she “just holds them up and looks at them and goes with what “looks right’” so I’m wondering what the fuck must be going through her mind when she holds up this muumuu and thinks it will look great on me? Well… looks like I’m on my own for maternity clothes because my MIL thinks I’m a big gigantic cow. Moooooooooo.
p.s. – I bought some maternity clothes for myself, all sized medium of course and you know what?? They FIT. Not like a glove or anything because they aren’t made for people in the ‘awkward’ stage but they FIT nonetheless and you won’t have to search for me under YARDS and YARDS of fabric like a macaroni noodle in a table cloth.
p.p.s – If you did actually read this Marty, please don’t take me out of your will. I need your lifetime supply of dollar-bin gifts and also your coupons. Just sayin’
The stupid things they don’t tell you about pregnancy (they hide it cleverly in books that you’d never touch until AFTER you get knocked up… no wonder people still keep doing it!)
1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes asshole, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. THANKS.
2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since ALL you need right now is to be EXTRA bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.
3. You now have new frenemies where you DON’T want them to be hanging out. You THOUGHT your butt was a one-man show but nope. It has buddies now that seem to be indefinite house guests… I should probably clarify that I’m talking the *gasp* hemorrhoids here. ouch! Bloody hell! (pun intended)
4. The second someone asks you how you are feeling (with that empathetic head tilt) you’ll fantasize about strangling them except strangling wouldn’t be nearly as fun as something the Jeepers Creepers dude would come up with.
5. You’ll find it entirely acceptable and appropriate to eat 6 bowls of cereal and follow it up with a chaser of 3 full glasses of OJ and then a box of Popsicles just because they looked and tasted like heaven and the cereal and OJ wasn’t enough?
7. You will not be able to take any of your usual meds to keep you sane and functioning like a normal human being… Even though you probably really need the Prozac to keep you from eating small children or ripping your mother’s face off.
8. It will send you over the edge when your favorite restaurant runs out of the fried rice you’ve been craving for 3 days. Sorry little Chinese lady but honestly, who runs out of fried rice with 4 hours left before closing time? Bitch.
9. Those bitches that “just LOOOOOVED being pregnant” will make you want to throw them off a bridge into oncoming traffic because they gush about how “easy” their pregnancy was and they didn’t have morning sickness or gain 600lbs or anything. Really? That’s great, I’m NOT you so go play in traffic before I throw you overboard!!
10. Morning-sickness can actually be any-time-of-the-day-sickness which is sooooo much fun. And makes you so cute. Nothing says I’m sexy like puking your guts out in front of the man who did this to you.
11. You WILL cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…????
12. At the end of this lovely 9 month adventure, they expect you to shove a WHOLE PERSON out of your naughty bits…. Ick!? I don’t care how miraculous and beautiful it is… It’s still icky and now my vagina hurts just thinking about it… If it could, it would curl up into the fetal position, sucking it’s thumb and hide while saying things like “I’m not gonna do THAT. Nope. No way. You can’t make me!!”
There’s lots more on this list but… I’m exhausted and too tired to keep writing….Yeah Marsha, I know you had EXTRA energy every time you were pregnant. Well I don’t. so either rub my back so I can nap or shut the fuck up about your perfect pregnancy and your perfect spawn of Satan because I want to rip your face off your face. (?!? admittedly, that sounded a little better in my head. Not executed so well in writing.)
It never really made much sense to me until now… That is how much you actually change as a pregnant person. I know it’s happening like I stand outside my body as an outsider and I can’t stop the stupid shit that is about to happen or come out of my mouth.
This must be what coma patients feel like. You know if they can hover above themselves but not have control of the shit that’s about to come flying out of their mouth or the things they do, but you know since they’re in a coma I’m just making shit up because last time I checked people in comas don’t say or do stupid shit because they well…can’t. (I actually envy this skill a little right now) Hence the coma? Wow. That actually just came out of my head. I’m ashamed. (It is 3 AM though… if that counts for anything)
Anyway, I really always thought pregnant women used “pregnancy brain” and excessive hormones as an excuse. But I know now it’s REAL and it happens to the best of us. How do I know? Well the following are actual things I did or said recently that I probably shouldn’t admit to:
Today, I stood at my jeep trying to get the damn thing unlocked for probably 5 full minutes (aka: eternity) Pushing the unlock button on my key fab and shoving the key into the door lock when it wouldn’t unlock with the remote. It was somewhere around the 6th minute that I realized I was on the wrong floor of the parking garage. This wasn’t MY JEEP. Oh and to make this event even more insulting to my intelligence? The goddamn thing wasn’t even the same color. Was it close? NO. My jeep is a dark charcoal gray. This one? R.E.D. Like a big fucking fire truck.
Also today, during a conversation with a friend I told her that I am going to Estes Park this weekend for my birthday… Yeah I just got back from that trip YESTERDAY… I’m not hopping in a DeLorean this week and even if I do I think it would be missing a flux-capacitor-thingy (that’s a very technical term by the way) to send me back in time!!
I also tried to put a 9volt battery into my wireless mouse and proceeded to get really, really pissed when it wouldn’t fit!! I’m not quite sure anyone understands how pissed I was! I was in tears because I was so mad!! It wasn’t until later after I hooked up my backup (non-wireless-damn-it) mouse that I realized the piece of shit needs a triple-A battery. You know the teeny tiny cylindrical battery that has a AAA stamped on it? Yep. Not even the same shape Jessica! Square peg, round hole?!? Fuck.
I could go on about the other things I’ve done, like almost feed the dog a bowl full of dry Froot Loops instead of her dry dog food but I think I’ll save some for upcoming posts…. Stay tuned, my stupidity is reaching new levels!!
I also put the ice cream in the pantry but in my defense, I’ve done things like that before I was pregnant.
Oh. P.S. – I’m pregnant!… Yep. Hold onto something very sturdy world, I am reproducing. Yikes.