The BLoG MuSe

Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.

Tag Archives: sex

How to guarantee you will be in the dog-house for Valentine’s Day

I received the following e-mail today… I couldn’t help but think to myself “how romantic!” and then I was wondering how the conversation would go.

“Hey sweetie I really love you and for Valentine’s day I wanted to show you just how much. By giving you the gift of better skin… You know because I love your ugly face but it’s kinda gross so fix that shit.”

I also couldn’t help but think to myself there’s definitely an added value from romantic gifts like the following:

“Hey honey, I love you…but you could stand to lose some of that muffin-top so I got you a gym membership! You’re welcome”

“I also got you a bonus over-sized bathroom scale with digital read out and body fat calculation so that you know just how much you should go to the gym…and maybe stop eating all together too.”

And nothing says I love you more than “I forgot Valentine’s Day and I was too cheap to go buy you anything nice so ummm here’s some flowers from your garden.”

And my personal favorite…. “honey, your TECHNIQUE could use a little work, so I got you this fantastic book. I figured that not only would I insult you by saying that you suck in bed and that your blowjob skills need work but I added insult to injury by getting ‘Sex For Dummies’ instead of… Any book really because I’m an ass”

Talk to Your Animals About SEX. You Could Save Lives! Or not.

So I started out first by getting a little drunk. That seems to help. Me, not them, obviously. Then I proceeded to line-up my dog and two cats, firing-line style in order to tell them all about the birds, the bees and other friendly (but diseased goddamnit) forest creatures.

Well, let’s just say that this went about as well as the time I quacked in public (we’ll save that for later) and Craig looked at me like my head might start spinning around or that it might just pop right the fuck off. Anyway, so I line up the feline and canine victims. Errr students and prepare my speech. It goes something like this:

“Girls, let me start out by telling you that it’s very important for you to not whore around. Mostly because if you do, you’ll get that petfection disease and it will cause one of your beloved appendages to FALL OFF and make your human-mommy DIE!!!

Also, two of you rarely leave the house which means that if you end up with the PFD (yeah, that’s right I made up that acronym for my made-up disease. SO WHAT?!?) if either of the two of you end up with the PFD I’ll know one of two things: 1. You are sneaking out and whoring around which I just told you not to do 2. You’re lesbian. Either way, just don’t have the sex because it MAKE CRICKETS TRY TO EAT YOUR EARS OFF AND THEN KILL YOU.”

Basically if my cats get the PFD they are either sneaking out or lesbian. Which might be a little weird because both scenarios make things a little weird since this entire post is going very differently than I planned. As for the dog, well she just better not whore around OR ELSE!!! And if she does become a little labwhore and she gives my cats the PFD I might have to take her fuckin chew toy and bury it in a sea of gigantic fingers trying to touch her paws and clip her nails.

This my friends is why you shouldn’t get drunk and decide to talk to your animals about the sex. Because it’s easier to just get them fixed!

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