I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
Let me tell you about the nice little conversation I had with one of today’s prized youth. Who I should mention was all hopped up on Mountain Dew (or something) and had eyes as wide as teacup saucers.
Basically, I wanted to jump over the counter and strangle him but then I remembered that I would never survive in prison because I could not be someone’s “bitch” and I’d end up saying something stupid (shocker there) and get shanked.
7-11 boy: You look tired
Me: *eye roll* Gee thanks. I am.
7-11: you also look cold… but you’re getting a Slurpee?
Me: well you’re just an everyday Sherlock Holmes now aren’tcha? (you little crack head)
7-11: Who’s that? oh well my mom taught me to always comment women. Nice huh?
Me: For Fuck’s sake. I think she meant COMPLIMENT and by the way that doesn’t mean you should be Captain Obvious.
7-11: (head tilt)
Me: and also, “you look tired” actually translates directly to “you look like spilt fuck” … just FYI. Did your mom teach you that? Did she?
7-11: umm no. OH!!! I LOOOOOVE this song. I sang it at prom with a bunch of people around me. They were throwing roses at me even. That was the good old days. I miss them!!
(great now I’m being served by Justin Beiber with bad grammar)
Me: I hated high school but it’s good to know that there are actually people out there that enjoyed the experience.
7-11: Yes it was great. I was really popular.
Me: oh…. (long pause)… yes…. because that’s what’s important.
7-11: Yes it is REALLY important. You don’t understand the pressure on kids these days.
Me: as opposed to the pressure when?
7-11: you know, when you were a kid.
(don’t strangle him, don’t strangle him, don’t strangle him)
Me: give me my goddamn receipt. NOW.
7-11: Have a nice day! I hope you get some sleep
(Me too kid, me too)
* Note to self: Slurpee addiction must be fulfilled at a DIFFERENT 7-11. For eternity.