I Used to Be Funnier…
Calendar of Awesomeness
Better than anti-depressants! … Sort of.
APPARENTLY it is NOT funny to giggle and make orgasm noises when the toilet is running and “bubbling like a jacuzzi” in a “fancy establishment”
The green bottle of minty smelling liquid on the counter in the ladies room of a “fancy establishment” is NOT the hand soap!
We received the following e-mail memo from our company, the e-mails that follow are way too funny NOT to share….
Recently, we have experienced fire alarms at multiple locations across the country, prompted by burning popcorn. Not only is this a hazard for our employees, but it has the potential to keep local fire companies from responding to more serious accidents and fires.
Effective immediately, employees must remain with their items during the entire time of microwave usage. Do not place your food in the microwave and walk away.
Employees who violate this guideline will be subject to disciplinary action from their managers.
** click the Read More link below for the rest of the story**
C: No popcorn children! I can relate, my wonderful husband will put popcorn in for 10 minutes, then go outside. The smell stays in the house for days.
AM: LOL! 10 minutes?!? Who on Earth thinks that popcorns goes in the micro for any longer than like 3 maybe 3 and a half minutes?? OMG
C: In his defense, he makes the main course whenever we have friends over for dinner, and quite well! Popcorn… is confusing.
K: Ummm not really, technology has evolved and for men… they invented a button on the micro that says POPCORN, go figure and all you do is push and it will do everything for you! LOL
D: That is too funny K, just like putting down the seat after they use the restroom…..such difficulties for their little brains.
K: That reminded me of my husband when I put the toilet protector on so Troublemaker couldn’t open it. He was there for the longest time trying to figure out how to open it! LOL. You mean they didn’t teach you that in college? What a site to see a grown man wiggling around like a little kid trying to open the potty LOL!
AM: OMG that’s NOT NOT NOT funny!! I avoided going pee at my friend’s house for the LONGEST time because her toilets were smarter than me! (she had the lock thingies too) The first time I went in there I even had to flush the toilet and wash my hands so they didn’t know that the toilet out-smarted me. Almost a year later I finally had to admit that I was dumb because there was no way I could make it any longer…. Too many glasses of ummm water? … and about an hour Doogie -her hubby – asked me (he was the one who had to show me how to use the darn thing) how I managed this whole time and I had to finally admit that I was a FRAUD! And that I faked it the first time and I was usually DYING by the time I left for the past year. my friend laughed so hard I’m pretty sure she almost peed herself!
K: That is too funny! You pretending to go potty! I am over cracking up! And after a year? you’re funny!
AM: I’m Glad you find pleasure in my pain! No wonder my bladder and kidneys are messed up. Too proud to say the baby-proofing is smarter than me. What has this world come to?!?
K: For Real! That is HILARIOUS!! You can’t be too proud, Arbitrary Musings! LOL
AM: You would have done the same thing!
K: I can see maybe a couple times but not for a YEAR.
AM: I went in there fumbled around for a while and just couldn’t get into the stupid toilet. That thing had outsmarted me and choked down my pride like it was a filet mignon. I had no choice but to FAKE IT!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
K: That is SO FUNNY! Oh man, you faking it. SO FUNNY!!!!
AM: I didn’t fake it for a whole year. I faked it ONCE. Then just held it for a year!
K: I understand but I don’t know if I would have faked it! IT IS STILL FUNNY THOUGH!!
AM: Their bathrooms became like Caves of Forbidden Secrets!! You NEVER ENTER! NEVER! EVER!!!! Even if you gotta poo! Don’t DO IT! NOT WORTH IT.
K: They are hard to figure out, really I know what you mean. The only reason I knew is because I read the instructions.
Oh man, if you gotta poo, you’re DONE for!!! Your hubby would have to get you new pants! You certainly couldn’t fake that!
AM: NO You hold it! No matter what the cost is!! Now quit picking on me! I need to be productive leave me alone!!
K: Ok Ok Ok but you know I luv ya! Too funny! Bubble guts the whole time huh? I’m just sayin’ … OK back to work.
AM: STILL, you HOLD IT. Besides, you know how if you hold it long enough, the need just goes away after awhile? (it comes back with a vengeance later though. You don’t want to be there when it does)
But you just pretend it’s your first date with someone like Brad Pitt and then you can make it. But if you got bubble guts, you just gotta text the hubby or a family member to call with an emergency!! You GOTS TO GO. PEACE!